Writers Block?

I'm not sure why I haven't posted on here in a while. I was going pretty good and then life happened. Perhaps it was life or maybe the fact that there's too much going on in this world that I don't even have the words to express how I feel.

I say this because with the election and their political agenda, the media and their racist agenda and just over all mess of a world we live in - I feel there's nothing that I can say here to make any sense of our world as I see it or not be flagged because of my personal opinion.

I promise though - when I figure it out I'll be back. Hang in there my fans - I'm not done yet by any means. Just waving a little hello to see if anyone is still reading and checking in.

GET SERVICE SAVING SOUL CHALLENGE

I was looking for this video weeks ago, alas I have found it. So I'm going to leave this here just to make us all think. Have a great Friday!

Disclaimer: I do not own any clips or music. All clips and music belong to their respectful owners. I do not earn any money with this video. This video is for enjoyment purposes only.
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Struggle with Internal Definition of Identity

I was asked to give ten characteristics of myself by a friend, and at first I wasn't sure...like I wasn't sure if there was a right answer...of course there is a right answer as long as you're true with yourself.

If I were to ask that question to a number of you could you honestly give me ten characteristics of your self. Not what you hope to be but WHAT you currently are?

It's not an easy task because we tend to sway to what others think we should be. To fit into some specific spot in this world.

I know currently how I few myself now if that is the same well I will let you define.

1. Kind
2. Caring
3. Dreamer
4. Geek/nerd
5. Passionate
6. Curious
7. Hard working
8. Dedicated
9. Faltering
10. Optimistic

Now that didn't seem to difficult. I believe I'm being truly honest with myself. I struggled with this which in itself makes me feel I'm still discovering myself on some deeper level. If I were asked this question 4 months ago or even 10 years ago I would have failure in that mix. Which I'm sure one day I will dive into.  I know some people still judge me for these qualities and I don't understand that, but that is a battle I feel maybe understandable.

People change throughout life and I feel that this should be an ever changing growth honestly. You won't know me from a year ago, let alone ten years ago.

I think if someone had posed this question to me ten years ago I would have maybe told people that I was:

1.  Ambitious
2. Always right
3. Entitled
4. Know it all
5. Self Assured
6. Caring
7. Kind
8. Negative
9. Worry-wart
10. Anger


I remember I was filled with negativity, drama, hatred for some, laziness, and a few other not so good qualities - so I see how some judge who I am currently. I hear the words that you can't just change...I dare ask why can't you?

I used to be the girl who would throw a fit to do chores, didn't really want to go to school and through college skipped my share of classes. And I've lost my fair share of jobs and walked out on a few too.  Although, I believe I've changed through these last few years. My priorities have shifted. So that should show that things can indeed change with your inner self.

So my challenge to you is to really look in a mirror and ask yourself WHO YOU ARE! What makes you so important and special. What do you like and what don't you? If you find things that you don't like try and improve on that - change it. It may not happen overnight but it can happen. Change can take years so be patient and just work with it. Some will help guide you and others may hold you back - the trick is to tell yourself that you're doing this for you because in the end - you only have to live with you deep down inside.

Talent Born Within...Where's Mine?

I saw a video on Facebook today from Steve Harvey - "You Gotta Jump to be Successful" - he spoke of how God endowed each of us with a gift beyond singing, dancing, acting and drawing/painting - That you have to find out what gift you are given (i.e. cutting grass, detailing cars, networking - etc... - I'm talking true passions - things you LOVE to do and make a life out of it.) and it's our gifts that guide us further in life than our educations...  It's our gifts that cause us to soar above everything and push on in life - it's our God given gifts that allow us to LIVE life - far beyond getting up in the morning, going to work and coming home to rinse, wash and repeat day after day.  That we cannot be afraid to jump off that cliff in order to become happy and actually live a life we're destined to live...

At one point I'm sure we've all sat there and wondered - what am I contributing to this world, what am I giving to my quality of life - how am I sharing my gift so that others may enjoy it? The Lord knows I do every day, I wonder about my life - how far I've come or where I have yet to travel and what wonders I'll see. But, to be honest, I am truly a person who rinses, washes and repeats day after day, year after year, decade after decade... The reason I'm sure is because I need that safety net - I need that parachute so I know I won't get the bumps and bruises it takes to grow and reach full potential in life...

But what is truly defined as full potential? Who sets the parameters? Well, I decided to look up potential... this is what I found: 

po-ten-tial -

1. Adjective - having or showing the capacity to become or develop into something in the future (synonyms: possible - likely - prospective - future - probable - latent)
2. Noun - latent qualities or abilities that may be developed and lead to future success or usefulness: (synonyms: possibilities - potentiality - prospects - promise)

My problem with this is (a) showing the capacity to become something in the future - well what's this whole growing up thing? When you use this towards gifts/talents then what are you missing out on if you can never seem to really figure out that talent? With this it makes me feel that you don't fully develop into the reason you're born- you die with out purpose.  (b) latent qualities or abilities that MAY develop and lead to FUTURE success...With this are you a failure in life because those qualities or abilities never had a chance to shine?

Now I've done everything I am supposed to do - go to school, get an education (computer forensics) and go to work (retail)- somewhere in there I've traveled, joined the basketball team, joined the college band and choir, volunteered my time to the community, worked with a literary magazine, theater - but above all that where has this magical gift/talent been?

When I was in high school - I was in a creative writing class that taught me about poetry - sure I wrote a few poems - worked on it through college and then poof the talent had disappeared, not from a lack of trying to rekindle it. Now maybe this is where I need to let the safety net go, try some more and write a few crappy verses for me to sharpen my "gift" - however I find myself looking at blank pages and no thoughts come to mind - just a void... So I let this go - figure this isn't my outlet.

While in MS/HS - I joined the basketball team - really wasn't any great at it - didn't work well with a team and found myself dreading each practice and each ounce of sweat on my brow. Realized that I was benched more than I played and I was never the starting line up to the game - only was placed in when the star players were tired. I did what I had to do - so again I let it go. Why, perhaps I was lazy, no drive or just no true passion for sports. Which now I'm older I realize I don't like sports. Sure I love to watch my football on TV, or the summer and winter Olympics but beyond that no care for it.

In college I figured I'd have my time to shine, because that is a time to blossom into true adult hood and find true purpose in life...haha...boy did I have this all wrong.  It proved to me that I had no clue what I wanted to do with my life (even after 5 years of school) - but I did try a few things out and I did have fun with those few things.  I joined theater - granted never acted but I worked the front of the house (tickets/seating/customer service basically) had a really great four years doing this, but I knew I couldn't just rely on this as a passion. Gradually, I got bored with it and stressed out from it. With that I joined band - learned how to play an instrument and perform on stage. Again had fun but not a passion - too much to keep in my head for a hobby of such. It was hard to read music and get timing down right. So again I gave it up. With that I moved into choir. Figured I love to sing - but as my mother told me for years I have no tone - alas I pretty much had to step out of it because I brought down those who had talent.  I tried art classes and they didn't work for me much either. Pretty much by the end of college I could at least say that I tried. Figured eh whatever I'm not talented/gifted and gave up on it.

Now I sit here and I hear people like Steve Harvey talk and it makes me realize that perhaps I gave up too soon. Perhaps I just haven't explored enough yet. Haven't found what makes me tick and truly happy beyond working, talking with my friends, eating fatty foods, and being a wife and homemaker outside my daily rituals.  And I don't really feel any of that is a talent. I feel it's just life. I feel one day I'm going to wake up at 80 years old and realize how much I've wasted doing nothing.

In my family I find it very difficult to understand where my talent lies - my grandmother a wonderful painter, my uncle can draw, my cousins artists (some in theater/painting/drawing and others in just art work). My mother is a writer and was an ice skater... What tree did I fall from that I didn't at least pick up a little talent? Here I am 32 years old and still lost on what God's gift was to me. Did he forget? Sometimes I truly wonder.

I do know each of us struggle on some level with this - maybe not in the forefront of our mind but somewhere in there it bounces around and makes us wonder. Do you feel you're on your path to LIVING life and not just simply existing. I know I'm not. I hope that maybe this will help me realize to move past the fear and just take a chance. But how do you just take a chance when you NEED to be an adult (work, bills, house work, family). Life kind of makes it impossible sometimes.

I've had people tell me - for your dreams/ambitions/hopes - gifts - you make time. Maybe I'm just not willing to make time because I might miss a show, or forget that I have a cookie near by needing to be chomped on... I guess one will never know what I will amount to - and I don't think any of us really know.  I do know this - life goes on and the years do tick by and before we know it - that's it - game over and we've lost our chance.

So here's my question to you? What are you going to do with the time that is given to us?

 

 

My Worldview...Through Rose Colored Glasses

I see so much negativity in this world, between hateful comments, scowls on people's faces and violence and I cannot understand why...well, I somewhat see why, but when does that switch in our bran flip from kindness to complete insanity and hatefulness and sadness? Some I talk to say it's circumstance, some say we are born into it or raised to be a specific way, some others say it's jealousy...

Each night I see on the news about death from shootings and drugs, racism and religion, and suicide to abuse ...is there really so much bad in this world that we cannot just be kind to one another?

People I speak with say I view a world through rose colored glasses, that I see too much good in people and trust too readily - why is that such a bad thing? When did we go from being brought up to say a simple hello to someone and share to don't talk to them and don't let them use that or don't let them come in to your home or don't tell them that?

Honestly, I think it's from fear! Fear of being hurt and being judged. I say fear because sometimes when we trust someone they hurt us - I say fear because when we invite them into our home sometimes we become robbed of materialistic things - I say fear because everyone just wants to fit in.  This brings me to my main topic of violence in so many different ways.

Shootings:
I remember growing up and seeing the violence on the news from school shootings to shootings in the street because you effectively had something someone else wanted. This in its own right is just asinine - why? Because of greed by it's basic nature. You have therefore I want!  Whether it is something as simple as a TV to something more basic - love and acceptance we all WANT things. But is shooting someone to get that really necessary? Is it the best way to gain that "thing"? No, because all that's going to do is place you in a very bad spot in your life - not only physically (like jail /death) but mentally.

Another thing that I don't understand - how is going to into a school or theater and shooting dozens of people change any circumstance in your life?  Honestly, it doesn't - however, I think someone believes that if they hurt someone else -then they too suffer. The old saying misery loves company. If you have it and I can't then you can't either. 

We as people need to truly think about our actions before we do something - including hurting another human being! Greed is not a good reason to do harm!

This brings me to a small story: when I was in elementary school a friend of mine and I got into a fight - over what I cannot remember - but I do remember me throwing slate across the road at him and he in turn taking his BB Gun and shooting me in the arm with it. Why? Because I was being a jerk- he saw it as a way to pay me back.  The outcome - both grounded - both in trouble from hurtful acts - one from stones being cast - the other because of a BB out of a gun. In the end both hurt and none the wiser from it. 

Drugs
Why is this even an issue? I know why, the small escape to feel good! Feel no pain, no harm, no shame and full acceptance to those who do drugs with you.  I get it - drugs no matter what type numbs the pain of the world. Drugs from Alcohol to Heroin are all meant to numb the mind... yet, we kill over these things and kill ourselves over these things because ... because life is hard? Is that really a GOOD reason?

Life is always going to be hard, between having bills to basic responsibilities to a fear of non acceptance in this world. .. but really harming your body in the hope that pain will surpass is really doing nothing but cause more pain.

Don't get me wrong I drink, but only for good occasions of celebration, not out of misery, not out of hopelessness not out of fear! Because in the end when you wake up from any drug coma you still have the same issues that were there prior...but I guess that's why people are addicted to the junk - it NUMBS - it temporarily makes you forget that you're in a dark place in your life. Some feel it can all somehow be cured at a bottom of a bottle or the emptiness of a needle.  And I guess in a way if you do go far enough - peace comes six feet underground.


Racism:
This is a topic I never have understood and NEVER will. I have never been brought up to judge based on the color of skin, based on body type, based on ethnicity or religion. I believe people are people no matter where you're from or how you look, or who you love. The world is made up of so many different people that it's hard to believe that we even have racism!!!

I see only people! I see only ideas and dreams! I see people who love and laugh, who work, who play and who love. I don't see how a hue of skin tone or what God you believe in or who you love can make any difference to how you're viewed! This above all else makes me so ashamed of the world in which I live, because this by its very nature is TAUGHT! This wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't TAUGHT.

I was out the other day shopping around and saw these two little kids laughing with each other - both different - do you think those children saw color, religion, sexual orientation? NO, they were getting along, until one of the moms turned around and pulled child A away from child B - why? because of color! The mother told child A that she should be talking to child B because she's different! WHAT!? THIS IS WHERE IT STARTS! From this point on this child will never be nice to another child/person of that skin type or religion type! All because of hate! All because we stereotype - wake up people!!!!!  This will forever boggle my mind.

THIS!!!! THIS IS WHY WE HAVE WAR! THIS IS WHY WE HAVE HATE! THIS IS WHY WE CANNOT GET ALONG!!! Because of some basic taught habit! *shakes head* This needs to change!

I see death over color, religion, sexual orientation - it makes me sick to my stomach! And heaven forbid you talk about, because then you're shamed, you're clumped into some group that should be shot according to some popular opinion.

I walked in the Macy's Pride Parade last year - it opened my eyes. I actually walked the streets of Pittsburgh thinking I was going to be shot for standing up for a basic right - happiness and love. We rounded a corner and saw people protesting (a persons right) about how you will go to hell for believing that the gay community should be happy! Why do we condemn someone on sexual orientation? Is it our job? NO! Let people live! Let people be happy! It's not up to us to judge!
"Live and let Live."

Religion:

I will say this flat out - to fight over faith is to fight over the color of the sky. We were all born in different parts of the world, taught different things and taught different beliefs - in which we all think we're right - therefore we shall fight for our religion to be the ONLY religion there is.  I've never understood this point - even since the days of the crusades. Lets kill in the name of God (whoever your God may be). Religious wars will never be won because we all believe we're right on a spiritual level. But not once have I ever thought hey look there's someone who believes differently than I do - so lets kill them. NOT ONCE HAS THAT EVER CROSSED MY MIND. So why is there so many wars involving religion? That is a question I think we've been trying to answer since the beginning of our times here on Earth.

Just to throw some facts out there, here is how the world is broken up with different religions:

Atheists - 2.5%
Ethno Religionists - 3.8%
Buddhists - 5.9%
Chinese Folk - 6.4%
New Religionists - 1.7%
Sikhs - 0.4%
Jews - 0.2%
Others - 0.4%
Non-Religious - 12.7%
Hindus - 13.4%
Muslims - 19.6%
Christians - 33%
(according to religious adherents as a percentage of world population in 2000)

So there's is plenty of room to believe what you want and to live in peace doing so. Stop killing in the name of your God. It's solving nothing - it's only creating more hatred in an already difficult world.

If you see more information on this check out this website.

Abuse and Suicide

Abuse and suicide I never have understood (like many things in this post) - but here's why, abuse it's a choice you make - whoever blames this on being abused as they've grown up so they must do it to someone else is a copout and you need help. This is a form of violence that can be stopped if more people were to admit to it and more people were to truly take it seriously.  There is no way to even fathom how someone can just walk up to a man/woman or child and just beat on them even animals. There's no need for it in this world.  (Correction - there's no need for any violence in this world).

I don't see what makes someone messing up your dinner, buying a wrong shirt, spending too much money or simply breathing give you right to just pound on someone. This is taught I understand BUT you control you - you control your circumstance - you control your story - so at some point you need to just say enough is enough and STOP. There are plenty of places you can get help. There's plenty of therapy areas out there that can help you just stop.

Abuse is not love! Its not acceptance! It's just physical and mental harm. This angers me when I see people who have clearly been abused (mentally and physically) not getting out of harms way in the end. The excuse - I love them or they'll kill me - they're going to end up killing you if you stay. Granted, I know it's not easy to get out of that situation, but it's a lot easier than staying in it - logically speaking.  Please understand if you're abused I'm not judging you but do yourself and your loved ones a favor and get help.

If you see animals being abused - get them help - be their voice!

Here are some links to help -

Crisis Text Line
The National Domestic Violence Hotline
And some from a Google Search - because there's so many out there.

ASPCA
PETA

These sites will help.


Part II: Suicide

With this - I have to say that I do not understand the dark places anyone goes for this to even crop into ones mind. I cannot help but feel sorry for the souls who have killed themselves because they felt they had no other option - no one to talk to - no one who understood. It breaks my heart that people no matter what age feel that they need to end their life. Some religions view this as an unforgivable act. Going beyond that - what about the families who have to heal from this - the friends - the co-workers- even the children?

There is honestly nothing I can say to even bring my thoughts to a written word. But please if you're reading this - and you're having suicidal thoughts - there are people who can help, and if you're reading this and you are ones who have never had to deal with this or never thought of going and doing this - just remember a simple "how are you doing?" can change someone's life forever. Even a kind smile.

If you feel anyone around you maybe having suicidal thoughts or tendencies get them help! (again I'll have links posted)

Common Ground
Resources for Suicide Prevention
Crisis Text Line
National Suicide Prevention Hotline

The Dreamer

I have always been a dreamer - whether it's the impossible, the impractical or the simple. With that being said - I don't like to let life just pass on by - granted some of my life has not been set up to accomplish the things I hope to do before I lay my head to rest at the end of my life - but that doesn't mean it cannot be done eventually. I'm very excited about the things I've done in my life and I truly hope this is not where it ends.

A quote that keeps me going is from Lord of the Rings "  “It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”   ― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings    

I would like to share my journeys currently accomplished and my journeys I truly hope to take in my future.  Many people talk of bucket lists - and I do have one a very lengthily one and one I do not take lightly because dreams - no matter how small - complete you!

So here I share  - what I've accomplished on my massive dream list:

• Go Horseback Riding - I was in high school (maybe middle school)  - but I remember that it was a lot of fun - I truly want to do this again - it was freedom!
  
• Watch the sunset on the beach. I went to Ocean City MD in 2009 with now my husband. We had a great time on the board walk, some wonderful memories to say the least. One solid week in what I thought was paradise.
  
• Feel confident without make up. Now you're reading this about a girl who could never go without a single ounce of makeup through high school, college and most of my working years thus far. It took me working as a truck unloader and sweating it off every day to not wear an ounce of it except on rare occasions. Shall we dare take a look! Nah I don't think we will. Basically because right now I'm a mess from work and being tired. But I can assure you I don't wear it anymore. I'm beautiful inside and out and it's taken many years to come to grips with that.
• To make someone less fortunate smile on Christmas - this is a biggie for me, I love to make people happy and if I can do that in a small way as getting someone something they've asked for even if it is a DVD I've done my job. I will not go in to details - I just know that every time I see them - I'm reminded that they are a bit happier in this life because of what I share.
• Be kissed under the mistletoe. Now this doesn't seem like a big endeavor for most, but for me I never was kissed until this year under the mistletoe, at least not to my recollection. However, the romance that follows is amazing. Something so stupid simple and it wasn't crossed off my bucket list until I was 32.
• Sit on a rooftop - now most people have done this even as a child maybe teen. I didn't do this until I was in my 30's - why? Because, I've been afraid to take that step off that last rung on the latter - my safety net! This is a moment in my life that taught me that I could in fact over come my fears on a most basic level. It just wasn't sitting on a roof for me, it was a moment that defined me as a minor risk taker - an achiever of something that I didn't give up on. Sure it took a few tries up and down to muster enough courage to be 8ft maybe 10ft off the ground. BUT I DID IT. It was an amazing and proud moment for me.
  
• I've always wanted to start a new tradition. So in 2014 my husband I decided every year we would put all negative things in a jar, all positive things in a jar, and all motivational quotes in a jar - on New Years eve we would read all the negative that happened to us that year and set it aflame - in a way of letting go of all the bad that happened - a way to cope and move forward and a way to close the chapter. All the positive things - we would then read and place in a zip lock bag and hold on to it. Later in life we shall look back on all the blessings we've had.
• Go to a midnight premiere. I remember this fondly, I was in college - we went to see the Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe - it was the first time I'd ever been out to the movies so late.
• Marry my boyfriend/best friend. On July 2013 I was blessed enough to marry my best friend. This was my fairy tale moment - maybe nothing that movies are written about but it was my moment - our moment.

• Another moment and a proud moment was being a co-maid of honor in one of my best friends wedding on October of 2015.
  
• Visit Niagara Falls - I've been twice - once in 1999 with my grandmother and once in 2004 with some friends from college - both times I've loved it and cannot wait another return. (first picture in 1999 the second picture 2004)

• To be an extra in a movie -  now this may shock some but I was an extra in a movie titled "She's out of my League" It was a fun time on set with a few of my friends - worked two days and got a decent paycheck - not something I would enjoy to do for a life time though. 

• See a Broadway musical - I was lucky enough to go see Chicago in NYC on my 21st birthday - I had a fantastic time and a wonderful birthday. Cannot wait to go back.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Make a tie dye t-shirt - now this seems trivial but I loved tie dye since I was in high school - I wasn't really able to do something like this when I was younger because at the time it didn't seem like it was readily available so I got to tie dye my first shirt when I was in college. Had a fun time doing it too since it was a school function.
• Cuddle under the stars - I didn't get to do this until this past summer - it was a great moment by a bonfire with my husband. Another small moment in life that has made it onto my completed bucket list.
• Read every C.S. Lewis Novel. I completed his works and loved every moment of it, I hope to return back to those books here soon.
• Be a Godmother - about 5 years ago I was blessed by one of my dear friends having a baby boy and naming me his Godmother. I have a small child who looks up to me out there, such a blessing that this little one knows he can turn to me for anything and everything.
• Climb the Pinnacles in Kentucky - 4,000 ft hike but oh the view from the top was absolutely amazing - and I was amazed at myself for doing such an activity. I hope to visit those hill tops again someday.  I wish I could find the pictures of that view - but I don't know what happened to them.
• Visit New York City on my 21st Birthday - what a whirlwind weekend trip that was - I cannot wait to go back!
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

This was my COMPLETED Bucket list so far - I'm 32 years old - and I haven't even scraped the surface of my dreams in this world yet. But it's only a matter of time before I begin to reach more and fully live the life I can only imagine.