I'm Hating It

For anyone who has ever said not working is wonderful, I'm flat out calling you out. This post is all about the horror story of not working. I know we all say, "wow it would be wonderful to not have to work every day" and you would most likely be right - however when you're lower middle class it's not as glamourous as one would think. Here's my reasons as to why.

I remember thinking - it's going to be great to be off work during the summer. I can remember how my summer vacations went. So you begin to think about being in High School, seeing your friends, hanging by the pool and just enjoying life. But what we don't remember is our parents funded all this fun. We never had to worry about food, travel or bills. Why? Because it was always taken care of. We had no worries what so ever in our head, except for chores and curfew.

Now, as an adult - I've been out of work for 2 months. Granted, I've had some fun during my 2 months "free" - but, now I'm going crazy. Why? Because those bills our parents so kindly paid for us as we were growing up are piling - now I'm married and have some income within our home BUT its not enough for our basic needs. Now we've cut back on things we've cut corners but in the end you can only cut so much out because we're in a high technology world that internet and cell phones are a must have. Without them you can't find work. To add to this, you still need car repairs, home repairs, groceries and the mile high list of everything else.  HELLO BIG PICTURE. Kind of sucks? Right!

Don't get me wrong the first month was nice. I relaxed a bit, through some job applications out there and waited. Meanwhile, I cleaned my house, helped my mom publish her book and promote it, helped get my roommates where they needed to be. I had some fun with my friends and roommates. Occasionally went out to eat, all thinking it shouldn't be too hard to get back within the work force. Boy, was I wrong. (but I'll get there.)

Before hand I was up early for the most part, getting things in my life checked off the list. Now it's more of a chore than anything. I'm giving into desperation, depression and over all mad at my life. Now the only thing that has changed is $1,000.00 of income. I'm told all the time - "well at least you're not alone." I'll give them that but that doesn't make it easier. Because, in my head I hear well it must be nice to be out of work and relax and do the things you want to do because you're married. No, that's not the case. All it makes me do is keep thinking what a failure I am at life because now it's all on my husbands shoulders.

Now, after two months of being home I've cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, I've watched far too much TV and I've applied for at least 100 jobs since I've been out. I've had 2 interviews so far. That's not a lot. Let that number stick with you... 2 interviews per 100 jobs! That's not great odds, including the amount of people who are in my shoes trying to find work. So you add in 100 applicants per job. It's daunting.

So here's the run down of my last 2 months!

1. Deep cleaned my entire house - we're talking walls and floors and every inch of space imaginable.
2. Visited some friends. And in my head I feel like I was a charity case.
3. Applied for 100 jobs so far. And not getting anywhere.
4. Watched TV.
5. Helped my mom publish her book.
6. Slept

Now with in all this I see how my life seems. Not too bad...WRONG!

1. You can only clean so much. Now I say this because eventually there's just no more dust to be found.
2. You visit friends, but without bringing anything, then you eat their food that their hard earned money has bought. So they feel sorry for you BUT they won't say it because they know it would hurt your feelings.
3. Applying for jobs is a full time job- taking up to 10 hours of day between finding the job, writing the resume to fit that job and a cover letter to match. In order to never gain a call back because they found someone far more fit for the job. But they don't tell you why - they just never call.
4. There's only so much TV you can watch before you're like forget this- there's nothing to even watch anymore. Meanwhile you have one season of Supernatural left and the sheer sight of the show makes you sick.
5. the only accomplished thing I can say I've done is help publish my mom's book. But even that is slow going and I feel I've not accomplished as much as I would have hoped through promotions.
6. Slept - I feel like that's all I do because I'm down this rabbit hole of sadness and confusion and boredom.

Now to elaborate, I have reached a point in these last two months of doing all this that I have nothing to offer. Mainly because I have a husband who has no money to do anything he wants to do, all the while smiling and saying he's fine. Deep down screaming to go to a movie that we cannot afford. No matter how well you work the budget. Secondly, I have a car that is down due to a dead battery and really no way to fix it between the bills and life. Thirdly, I have roommates who want to go and do but I can't because I cannot afford the gas in the car let alone the new tires I need and prayer just can't get me through enough.

So in the end I feel like I'm a useless failure that can't get out of bed in the morning. The depression game is deep and hard. But in the end everyone expects miss positivity here to keep smiling because if not then fights ensue. So I sit here screaming into a void that no one can hear. Granted I think they can but they don't care because we all have our own battles.

It doesn't kill me that I'm not working. But it kills me when those who depend on me can't do anything because I'm not working. Most of all it kills me when I see my husband, drained beyond belief go to work to come home to have nothing to look forward to each day, not even a pizza during a Steeler's game because it just can't be spared. It kills me that I can't spare $50.00 that he has made for a DnD book, or spare $25.00 he's made for a DVD he wants.  It kills me that he comes home nightly with holes in his clothes because we can't afford out of the money he makes to replace a single pair of jeans. And to top it all off we can't even take a break with the money he makes for a date night that's much needed, or any time alone because we need to be reliant on my roommates for everything that I cannot cover. That ALONE KILLS ME. And if he is reading this I'm sorry.

So when you ask if I'm loving being out of work - that's a huge NO, I'm not because I'm not a contributing member within my home and alone that bugs me. So again I go back to the job boards in hopes to find something that will help but also something that will make me happy since finding jobs out of desperation isn't really wanted.

So no this is not McDonalds and I'm not loving it!